As I swelter in the heat of summer, my thoughts turn to cold, rainy days and an excuse to sit inside on a Saturday with a cosy craft project.
Since returning to reading and writing after a long hiatus, I haven’t made much time for knitting or embroidery. There are only so many scarves I can wear at one time, and there are only so many hoops I can hang on my wall.
Of course, I knit and stitch gifts for friends and family (like this floral bird I made for my mother, an embroidered portrait of my friend’s pooch Pacha, and this fox for my foxy sister).
But I’ve also begun to think about creating embroideries to raise awareness (and maybe even money) for issues, causes and organizations that are close to my heart.
A year or so after taking an embroidery class with a couple of friends, Ireland (my home country) held a national referendum around a constitutional ban on abortion. As I no longer live there, I couldn’t vote or canvass, but as a citizen and a feminist, I wanted to advocate for women’s privacy and bodily autonomy in my native home.
Along with difficult conversations on social media or over the phone with friends and family, stitching an embroidery was one way for me to articulate my support to repeal the 8th amendment. My embroidery was modeled after a controversial and contested mural by the Irish artist, Maser, which became one of the most enduring symbols of the Vote YES campaign.
Then, when the Irish people voted an overwhelming Yes to repeal the 8th, I made another embroidery to mark this incredible sea change in Irish society (the word for Yes in Irish is Tá). When I made it, I was thinking of the poem ‘The Cure at Troy’ by Seamus Heaney, and the lines:
History says, don’t hope on this side of the grave. But then, once in a lifetime the longed for tidal wave of justice can rise up, and hope and history rhyme.
So hope for a great sea change on the far side of revenge. Believe that a further shore is reachable from here. Believe in miracles and cures and healing wells.
At first, I didn’t think of these embroideries as a form of activism. For a long time, I held onto traditional understandings of activism and felt that I couldn’t claim to be an activist as I wasn’t doing anything hardcore, confrontational, or even particularly visible or apparent to anyone but myself. It’s taken me a long time to expand my understanding of what activism can be.
In part, these embroideries were a way to ‘say’ something when actual words failed me or made me feel so weary. Then, when staff at the Center for Disease Control were told that seven words or phrases would be banned from use in budgetary documents, I found myself furiously stitching–or stabbing–the seven words into a square of fabric, which I then turned into a Christmas card for my in-laws, along with a donation to the ACLU in their name.
So far, these few pieces have been my only overtly ‘political’ embroideries, but I’m scheming up some words and images to stitch in a spirit of compassion, consistent anti-oppression, justice, and resistance this fall and winter.
A spot of craftivism is the perfect form of activism for arty introverts.
And, if you’re anything like me, embroidery is an easy and inexpensive entry into the world of arts and crafts for those of you who are not naturally artistically gifted but looking for a crafty hobby that won’t break the bank or take too long to learn. (Not only am I an introverted activist, I am also a lazy, impatient, and broke-ass introverted activist.)
But enough about me. Below, I take a very brief look at the history of craftivism, then focus on a couple of artists–and counter-perspectives–from the movement.
A Brief History of Craftivism
The term ‘craftivism’ was coined in 2003 by Betsy Greer who defined it as so:
Craftivism is a way of looking at life where voicing opinions through creativity makes your voice stronger, your compassion deeper & your quest for justice more infinite.
Of course, the practice and spirit of craftivism long predates the word. From “spinning bees” during the Revolutionary War to suffragettes who used their needlework as a tool in their fight for equal citizenship, women have been using their knitting and sewing skills as resistance and activism for hundreds of years.
Traditionally, women were taught embroidery as a way of learning ‘feminine’ characteristics. It taught them to follow a pattern, to be neat and docile, to be inside the home rather than out in the world. You learned embroidery to advertise your marriageability. But there was no way of controlling what women were actually thinking about while they were stitching.
Craft’s Long History in Radical Protest Movements
Craftivists have turned their attention to everything from voting rights to civil rights to the pro-environment and anti-war movements. Others have written much better and more thoroughly on the topic, so rather than replicate their work, I will simply point you towards it before focusing on a couple of contemporary craftivists in particular:
Though she didn’t coin the term and I was already familiar with other arty crafty activists, I came across the word ‘craftivism’ through the work of Sarah Corbett when I started reading about how to reconcile my introverted personality with my passion for justice and a desire to speak up and do something.
Sarah, a former professional campaigner and self-proclaimed introvert, is the founder of the Craftivist Collective–an inclusive group of people committed to using thoughtful, beautiful crafted works to help themselves and encourage others be the positive change they wish to see in the world.
I also love their Craftivist Manifesto, available for free download or letter-pressed purchase in English, Welsh, Portuguese and Spanish:
In this TED Talk, Sarah discusses this quieter form of activism that uses handicrafts as a way to get people to slow down and think deeply about the issues they’re facing, all while engaging the public more gently.
As she elaborates, repetitive stitches help you meditate on complex, messy, social change issues and figure out what you can do as a citizen, as a consumer, as a constituent: “It helps you think critically while you’re stitching away, and it helps you be more mindful of your motives. Are you about joining people in solidarity, or do you want to be the savior, which often isn’t very ethical?”
At the end of her speech, she calls upon extroverts to think about introverts, and how valuable our skills are, when planning campaigns: We’re good at slowing down and thinking deeply; we’re good at bringing out the details and nuances of issues; and we’re good at intriguing people by doing strange little things that help create conversations and thought.
For introverts, her call to action is this:
I know you like being on your own, I know you like being in your head, but activism needs you, so sometimes you’ve got to get out there. It doesn’t mean that you’ve got to turn into an extrovert and burn out, because that’s no use for anyone, but what it does mean is that you should value the skills and the traits that you have that activism needs. Whether you’re an extrovert, an introvert, or an ambivert, the world needs you now more than ever, and you’ve got no excuse not to get involved.
Plant Posse & The Vegan Craftivist
Plant Posse is a posse of plant-powered people producing jewelry and art promoting plant pride. They donate a portion of profits to various animal sanctuaries and animal rights organizations.
One of the artists, Brittney West, resonated with me in particular. I especially love her installation ‘Into the Fold,’ composed of origami cows at a slaughterhouse, some made from meat and dairy recipes.
I’m not sure if she (or any of the Plant Posse) call or think of themselves as craftivists exactly, but I was happy to happen across them when writing this post, as I envisage using my love of embroidery as a way of raising awareness about animal rights and veganism.
I wasn’t vegan when I made most of these embroideries. But as I began to extend my sense of compassion and justice to animals as well as humans, I realized that Greer’s definition of craftivism is perfect. Once again:
Craftivism is a way of looking at life where voicing opinions through creativity makes your voice stronger, your compassion deeper & your quest for justice more infinite.
As a vegan who also cares deeply about social justice and human rights, I seek to cultivate this deep, expansive, infinite and all-encompassing vision of compassion and justice within myself and that which I bring forth into the world.
This morning I also came across the Vegan Craftivist who was creating a banner project with a hope of collecting enough vegan banners to sew together and create a flag or quilt display made up of individually crafted banners. I was excited to contribute to the project!
When I dug in a little further, however, I discovered that they have since become disillusioned by the concept of craftivism and the movement’s failure to recognize its white, heteronormative privilege. (I also realized that they are founder of the wonderful Sanctuary Publishers that I wrote about a short time ago.)
While I certainly understand these frustrations and have no doubt they are 100% valid and real, I don’t think these patterns of thinking and behavior are unique to craftivism. No activist movement, from feminism to veganism, is immune to being dominated and coopted by white people, and as a white woman I challenge myself to not only be cognizant of the fact but to actively work on dismantling my own oppressive and racists actions and behaviors.
While I of course respect this critique, as well as the decision to distance oneself from a space in which you are being silenced, as someone who is new to the practice of craftivism, I would rather learn from the movement’s mistakes than abandon the concept or practice altogether.
Clearly, there is much to think about and be critically conscious of, and I’m thankful to have come across a counter-perspective while I’m still so new to this form of activism. However (and however naively), I’m still excited to creatively express my values and beliefs through embroidery and other art forms.
Too, for me craftivism is likely to be but a small component of my activism, and I think there are times to push myself out of my comfort zone and times to integrate activism into a pastime that brings me comfort and relieves my anxiety, at least momentarily. It’s a long story, for another day, but embroidery has literally stopped me pulling out the hair on my head or picking at my skin during intense periods of stress!
As an introvert with anxiety, I believe that quieter forms of activism are valid. I agree that more disruptive, forceful, and tangibly results-oriented forms of activism are urgently necessary, but not everybody is able to commit to such actions, at least not on a substantial and sustained basis. Some people can do this, and I both admire and applaud them, but I think it’s unnecessary and impractical to dismiss certain forms of activism as inherently ineffective.
Though they may be slower and less obviously or immediately impactful, art and writing play an important part in a social change ecosystem, and I consider craftivism to be a legitimate way to express dissension and resistance to injustice and oppression–provided that your artistic practice also commits to practicing consistent anti-oppression.
Voter turnout in 2020 is poised to be the highest in decades, if not the century. Yet, there’s no indication as to which party will benefit from an expanded electorate. Nothing is certain, and arguably the most important form of activism we can do right now is appealing to apathetic friends and family, helping people to register, and fighting racist gerrymandering and voter suppression across the country.
At the same time, as we strive and struggle to create the kind of future we want to live in, it’s important to look back and learn from those who have fought and struggled before us.
Nearly 16,000 pages of suffragist letters, speeches, diary entries and newspaper articles are available to review and transcribe on By the People, a crowdsourcing platform launched by the Library of Congress in 2018. The goal is to make the library’s collection fully word searchable and easier to read, for scholars and lay historians alike.
Anyone can contribute and be a virtual volunteer. In an ideal world, this work would be deemed important enough to warrant it being a paid position, and I would not argue with anyone who disputes that this a form of activism and more a problematic instance of undervalued labor.
Still, as an introvert, women’s history nerd, and an avid letter and journal writer, for me this is both a valuable and interesting way to spend a small portion of my day now and then.
For you fellow literature lovers, it’s worth noting that you may also transcribe the poetry, letters and other writings of Walt Whitman (though, as much as I love his poetry, it should be noted that increasingly scholars are examining Whitman’s racism and questioning how inclusive Whitman’s vision of democratic society truly was).
100 Years of Women’s Suffrage?
Similarly, while it’s important to acknowledge and celebrate suffragettes and women’s activism, we should not ignore the fact that the movement did not benefit all women equally. According to mainstream media and whitewashed versions of history, June 2019 marked the centennial of women’s suffrage. Yet, in fact, it marked the centennial of white women’s suffrage.
It will be 2024 before we can celebrate 100 years of Native Americans being able to vote, 2043 before we can celebrate Chinese immigrants (including women) being able to vote, and 2065 – 2065! – until we can celebrate 100 years of women of color being able to vote. And even that will be contingent on whether white people speak up and take action on discriminatory voter suppression and the erosion of this most basic right for people of color.
This is something we should care about for its own sake. As we hurtle towards the 2020 presidential election, the voter suppression stories that we’re bound to hear about aren’t just about which party will win or lose; they’re about an ongoing history of racist disenfranchisement and white people’s refusal to see what doesn’t affect us, or tendency to only care about something to the extent that it will impact us.
If we only care about voting rights in terms of strengthening the blue wave, then our concern–however well-intentioned–is ultimately rooted in our own comfort and advantage, as it always has been.
New Forms of Truth Will Arise
Nowadays, the opposition to women’s suffrage is incomprehensible to any reasonable, justice-minded person. Those who voted against women’s suffrage “stood firmly on the dark side of history, making claims about a woman’s role that would end a politician’s career today,” writes Rebecca Ruiz for Mashable.
“Fighting for equality made suffragettes unpopular,” she continues. Their arguments were widely ridiculed and treated as suspect. A woman’s place was in the home, not in the voting booth or public sphere. Their subordination was natural and simply the way things are and should be.
I think of this sometimes when I try to speak up for the rights of animals and the systemic exploitation and injustices done unto them. Animals are not our property–their lives belong to them–and yet the use of these living beings as a means to our ends is seen as natural, inevitable, the way things are and should be. The fight for animal equality has little support, even amongst progressives with a heart for justice and compassion.
As an advocate for animal rights, it’s distressing and bewildering when people are unable or unwilling to recognize the truth about the systemic abuse of animals or to acknowledge it as a valid justice issue. I am not comparing women (or any human being) to animals, nor insisting that their oppression is, experientially, the same. Yet, I do believe that both forms of subjugation are rooted in similar hierarchical binary systems.
It was interesting, then, to note that some suffragettes did not limit their fight for equality to humans, but instead understood the interconnectedness between different forms of oppression. Vegetarian food fueled the British suffrage movement. As one suffragette said: “Vegetarianism aims so directly, as we women aim, at the abolition of the unregenerate doctrine of physical force.” The Vegan Feminist Network has compiled a long list of vegetarian and vegan women’s and animal’s rights activists, including British, Irish and American suffragettes.
It was comforting, too, to come across this passage in an 1851 letter from Angela Grimké to Elizabeth Cady Stanton:
The very truths you are now contending for, will, in fifty years, be so completely imbedded in public opinion that no one need say one word in their defense; whilst at the same time new forms of truth will arise to test the faithfulness of the pioneer minds of that age, and so on eternally.
Some believe that eating meat will be considered unthinkable to many fifty years from now. Fifty years is far too long to wait, but I trust that a day will soon come when opposition to animal rights will, too, be incomprehensible, and that in time no one need say one word in their defense because they will no longer be purposefully bred and killed for our profit and pleasure.
At the same time, I am reminded that I didn’t always recognize this truth myself, and that there are no doubt any number of other truths that I am reluctant to uncover and acknowledge. As Grimké wrote, new forms of truth will eternally arise to test the limits of our compassion and the consistency of our values. I strive to stay on the right side of history, no matter how unpopular or misunderstood that might make me.
I have long resolved the internal debate about whether I should or shouldn’t, would or wouldn’t do an MFA.
Recently, I’ve been exploring an M.A. in Humane Education but, for the time being, that’s something I’m simply wishing into the world as I don’t have the time or finances to apply at this point in time.
While life has repeatedly taught me that nothing is ever completely off the table, I don’t see an MFA in my future, but I do want to make a deeper commitment to learning the craft of writing and dedicating more time to my fiction and creative non-fiction work.
Initially inspired by my friend Annie’s DIY MFA, I set some similar intentions and decided to fashion my own ‘do-it-myself’ writing program.
I’ll update my progress and share my experiences on the blog.
The following articles and resources were also useful when thinking about how to structure my own personal program. As ever, I’m late to the party and it turns out there’s an entire book and resource website for others who are interested in doing a DIY MFA!
Following Pereira’s motto to Write With Focus, Read With Purpose, and Build Your Community, I have structured my DIY MFA according to those three categories too. Like Annie, I will also share information on the classes and conferences I attend on my writing workshop journey.
“First We Read, Then We Write”
The procrastinator in me is awfully fond of this quote by Emerson. I went through a long period of reading the greats and poring over every single craft book I could get my hands on, never feeling as though I was ready to really start writing. These days I take less of a ‘first I’ll, then I’ll’ approach and try to write more than I read, or make equal time for both.
“First we eat, then we beget; first we read, then we write.”
Emerson, ‘The American Scholar’
Here are a handful of my favorite writing/craft-related works, and you can find a much longer list on my DIY MFA Goodreads shelf.
First We Read, Then We Write: Emerson on the Creative Process by Robert D. Richardson Jr.
From Where You Dream: the Process of Writing Fiction by Robert Olen Butler.
How Fiction Works by James Wood.
How to Write a Sentence: And How to Read One by Stanley Fish.
Narrative Design: Working with Imagination, Craft, and Form by Madison Smartt Bell.
Steering the Craft: Exercises and Discussions on Story Writing for the Lone Navigator or the Mutinous Crew by Ursula K. Le Guin.
The Writing Life by Annie Dillard.
Three Steps on the Ladder of Writing by Hélène Cixous.
This exercise is for writers who are actively working on a writing project and are trying to figure out how their own work fits within the existing body of literature. The point is that writers who are seriously focusing on a work-in-progress should not be reading at random, but choosing books that serve a specific and concrete function related to their own work.
Pereira identifies four types of books that should go on your list:
Competitive Books, or your novel’s closest competition. The purpose in reading books in this category is to know what else is out there and figure out how your work-in-progress compares or can stand out.
Contextual Books, which are thematically similar to your WIP but not necessarily in the same genre or age group. This is also where you put any research books you will need to read when writing your book.
Contemporary Books, to maintain awareness of what’s new in the genre you’re writing in.
Classics, which is a super broad category and will be different for each reader.
Part of me is skeptical about this approach as I don’t like to think in terms of competition and comparison, or get caught up in what is fashionable or likely to sell. But a part of me is open to exploring this exercise, and I’ll write an update when or if I do.
As a freelance ghostwriter, I write for a living, and I also spend quite a lot of time writing book reviews, personal essays, and other content for this blog.
Meanwhile, I have a chronically neglected novel gathering dust in a metaphorical drawer.
What for now is simply known as “the Post Office book” will therefore be the focus of my DIY MFA.
“If there’s a book that you want to read, but it hasn’t been written yet, then you must write it.” – Toni Morrison
I’ve already completed a ton of research, and now it really is a case of dedicating a portion of my day to working on this project that both excites and terrifies me.
While it doesn’t seem like a lot, right now I can commit to one hour a day. That’s honestly about all I can say!
Classes & Conferences
When time and money allows, I want to take more craft-based classes in the coming year.
In November 2018, I took a wonderful class with Michelle Ruiz Keil at the Portland Book Festival called Tarot & The Writer.
And in March 2019, I went to AWP as it was nearby in Portland, Oregon. This was my second AWP–I travelled up to Seattle for it in 2014–and I’ve benefitted from it enormously both times.
The conference is overwhelming in scope, and organizers need to work on improving accessibility, but I’ve found the panels to be incredibly inspiring, motivating and thought-provoking.
Given the fact that I was able to stay at my in-laws in Portland and walk over the river to the convention center every morning, the price was really reasonable when I consider all the amazing authors and discussion topics I sat in on. For inexperienced writers who aren’t there to promote their work, I don’t personally think the conference is worth hundreds of dollars in flights, food and accommodation. But if it comes to a city near you at some point, it’s absolutely worth attending and incorporating into your own DIY MFA.
Ooof. As an introvert living fairly rurally, this is the area I struggle with most. I miss my Portland writing group peoples, and living within walking distance of so many poetry readings and literary events.
I’m making strides with learning how to drive (yes, I’m almost forty years old and I don’t know how to drive–it’s a long and stupid story), and once I’ve got that down, one of the main things I’m looking forward to is the freedom and flexibility to spend more time in the writing community, both in Portland and down here in the Willamette Valley.
In the meantime, maybe I’ll create some community online. If you’ve completed a traditional MFA or are cobbling together your own DIY MFA, I’d love to hear your thoughts and tips on either.
(or: an enthusiastic summary of the most interesting, weird and worthwhile ways I procrastinated on the worldwide web this week).
I read a dozen other articles this week, but none of them were as beautiful, compelling and resonant as the essays and interviews in Emergence Magazine, a quarterly online publication featuring innovative stories that explore the threads connecting ecology, culture, and spirituality. I discovered the magazine quite recently and have been slowly making my way through the previous four issues of its inaugural year.
‘Speaking the Anthropocene,’ is an interview I will return to again and again. In this hour-long conversation, writer Robert McFarlane articulates the consequence, the responsibility, as well as the pleasure of naming the living world.
There is so much to absorb and contemplate here, from the ethics of naming, to a ‘grammar of reciprocity,’ and his fascination with “our attempts to speak the Anthropocene, to speak geo-traumatics, to speak solastalgia.”
“The right names well used can act as portals into the more-than-human world of bird, animal, tree, and insect. Good names open onto mystery, grow knowledge, and summon wonder. And wonder is an essential survival skill for the Anthropocene.”
I’m interested in grammar as well as single words. Grammar is, if you like, language’s underland. It’s where meaning sediments over long periods of time and becomes ideology, effectively. Single words are obviously actions; they’re choices made on the surface. They have deep histories, they have roots, in that sense—but grammar is the sedimented version of many forms of choice made by cultures and individuals over many years. If we think of grammar as having an underland—well, the underland of our grammar, of English as I understand it to be conventionally used, is not one that recognizes the more-than-human world with richness, respect, reciprocity, and legitimacy.
In ‘Losing Language,’ Camille T. Dungy rejects the refrain “there are no words,” and reaches for a language to encompass the experience of loss, extinction, and loneliness.
There are words—about pain and the deepest kinds of sadness, about being orphaned and lonely and feeling bereft. There are words—about the inability to hold and, by that holding, to sustain another heart. There are words—and they matter—about the erasure of one particular light, of one particular life, and, with that life, all the lives that link with it, all the darkened histories that light—that life—once revealed.
Camille T. Dungy
Writing and art as impactful and important as this doesn’t quite count as procrastination, at least not in the negative sense of the word. Rather, this entire issue formed, for me, a personally meaningful experience, a meditation, and much more than an education.
Yes, it technically took time away from my own writing and meaning-making to read through each long essay, interview, or the lovely ‘Five Practices for Listening to the Language of Birds.‘ But these words and sentiments will undoubtedly inform my work going forward–and indeed my outlook on life in general–so, in contrast to the kind of procrastination where you look up and wonder where the day went, reading and listening to these lovely pieces felt like time slowed down and well spent.
I was excited to hear about the Veganism of Color: Virtual Conference coming up in September 2019. So I figured I’d spread the word and encourage people to explore the important work that the organizers are doing.
To register for Day One, click here. To register for Day Two, click here.
Day One includes talks from the speakers listed below. Day Two is a Q&A Panel discussion with the same speakers.
I love that the conference is free and will be as accessible as possible to people around the world. At the same time, those of us who have the means might consider making a donation to Chilis On Wheels, or purchasing a book from Sanctuary Publishers (who are jointly hosting the conference).
For more information on both of these organizations, see below.
Some of the speakers I have heard of before (Starr Baker, Margaret Robinson), but most of them are new to me and I’m looking forward to knowing more about them.
Doreen Akiyo Nartey, ChildFreeAfrican.com
Veganism, Sustainable Development, and the North/South Divide
This talk will raise questions about the international development and the role of privilege in defining the responsibilities of vegan activists of color in helping to spread consistent anti-oppression around the world.
Starr Baker, Black Feminist Vegan/Fuel the People
Food Justice, Community, and Advocacy
This talk will discuss key elements of community-led food justice activism, including helpful insight on building Black/Brown vegan community, organizing vegan food justice efforts, and adding to or learning from the ones that already exist.
A Dalit’s Perspective: Casteism and Speciesism
This talk will discuss the interconnections of casteism and speciesism, including casteisms’ dependence on nonhuman animal exploitation to justify both human and nonhuman oppression (a term coined casteist speciesism).
Margaret Robinson, Academic Scholar/Lennox Island First Nation member
Decolonizing Body, Mind, and Spirit
This talk will examine how approaching veganism from an Indigenous (L’nu/Mi’kmaw) perspective can help undo colonial damage and support food sovereignty.
LoriKim Alexander, co-director of Black Cuse Pride
Black Queer Vegan Liberation
This talk will focus on the intersections of being Black, queer, and vegan while working towards liberation for both humans and nonhumans.
As you can see, there is much food for thought on the conference agenda. I think that anyone who is interested in race and social justice will get a lot out of it, so please don’t be dissuaded from attending if you’re not a vegan. I hope to ‘see’ you there, and in the meantime here is a little more information about the conference hosts.
As I’ve mentioned before, in the run up to and aftermath of the 2016 Presidential Election, I all but stopped reading. With everything happening in the country and so many urgent issues to fight and focus on, I found that I didn’t have the attention span or the mental and emotional energy to sit down and read.
While I was unable to lose myself in a novel or even a short story, my eventual way back into reading was through non-fiction, specifically works that explored issues of race and social justice.
Soon after I became vegan, I sought out vegans of color in order to deepen my understanding of the interconnectedness of various forms of oppression.
As a feminist with a Master in Gender & Women’s Studies, I recognized parallels between patriarchy and the systemic structures and binary thought-processes that enable animal oppression. As a women who has experienced discrimination and levels of violence from men, I was comfortable making certain comparisons and analogies between the oppression of women and the oppression of animals.
Yet, as a white woman who has a long way to go in interrogating and dismantling my own participation in the perpetuation of white supremacy, I was confused and deeply uncomfortable at the idea of talking about the oppression of animals and the oppression of people of color in the same conversation. Intuitively I feel that all forms of oppression stem from patriarchy and white supremacy, but I don’t have the knowledge, language or experience to speak about this hugely complex and painful issue and, frankly, I think it’s better that I simply listen rather than speak.
Needless to say, I have a lot to learn and synthesize on this topic. Some of the many books I’ll be reading and contemplating in the coming weeks are all published by Sanctuary Publishers, namely:
“Countless folks aren’t critical enough about the interconnectedness of oppression and how it impacts marginalized communities as well as other animals (i.e. sexism, racism, classism, etc., which are greatly amplified under capitalism). “Veganism in an Oppressive World” is a must read for anyone committed to doing serious work around the dismantling of speciesism and all other systems of oppression that are inherently at odds with life.”
-Kevin Tillman, Vegan Hip Hop Movement
Chilis on Wheels
I first heard about Chilis on Wheels when Million Dollar Vegan donated $100,000 to the non-profit so that they could provide food and support survivors of Hurricane Maria in Puerto Rico.
Through services such as meal shares, food demos, clothing drives, and mentorship, Chilis on Wheels work in areas all around the USA to help make veganism accessible to communities in need. They provide networks of support and build strong empowered communities within the areas that they serve.
When I first started reading A Line Made By Walkingby Sara Baume, I smiled grimly. Like the novel’s protagonist, Frankie, and indeed like the author herself, I too take pictures of dead little creatures. We are never as unique or exceptional as we think we are, a fact that Frankie–an aspiring and, in her mind, failed artist–is keenly, excruciatingly grappling with in this compelling and complex second novel by Baume.
Or should I say, Sara. It feels unnatural and somewhat disingenuous to call her Baume, considering I developed a friendship of sorts with Sara after she won a short story competition that I had also entered. Though we have never met in person, she sent me some kind words about my story (and, a few years later, selected it to read in a podcast, which was a lovely surprise a couple of years ago), and since then we have struck up an intermittent correspondence, exchanging some long emails, physical letters, postcards and little gifts over the years (most marvelously a tiny clay dog made by Sara and fashioned after ‘One Eye,’ the half-blind dog in her wonderful debut Spill Simmer Falter Wither).
In spite of our friendship, and the fact that Sara is an incredible writer, it’s taken me almost two years to finally finish A Line Made By Walking. I’ve attempted it several times, but it was never, seemingly, the right time. While there is some comfort in characters whose lives, experiences, fears and anxieties are similar to our own, I found I couldn’t deal with Frankie when I was engulfed in my own periods of depression, or those moments when, in spite of my many sources of ordinary happinesses and privilege, I feel like my life is so very far from what I want it to be, professionally (for want of a better word).
If young Frankie’s life is a failure, then what is mine?
As I head into the final two years of my thirties, it is somewhat difficult to sympathize with a 26-year old, whose post-college adult life has barely begun, grieving the loss of a life that they’ve always expected for themselves, but didn’t quite get. If young Frankie’s life is a failure then what is mine? I am much older than she is, with less time for (though perhaps more openness to) recovering what I’ve lost or let slip away, and salvaging, creatively, what’s left of the life ahead of me.
Ability and desire aside, there were times when I initially started reading this book when I wondered if it was time for me, as well as Frankie, to abandon my artistic ambitions, accept the loss of the writer’s life that I thought would be mine, to not only accept that I am average but to “stop making this acceptance of my averageness into a bereavement,” and start churning the intellect I have left into simply living.
Frankie’s existential crisis, mirroring so much my own, was by turns either too painful or too irritating to be around. This is not a criticism of the novel nor of the author’s rendering of her protagonist; rather, the opposite. The character is perfectly and complexly drawn. She’s a real person who, as the poet says, contains multitudes and is a mass of contradictions. I see so much of myself in Frankie, both her best parts and her worst, from her intelligence, humor, sensitivity, attentiveness to the natural world and the ‘small’ things that most people don’t seem to notice, to her awkwardness, selfishness, ingratitude, self-righteousness and bitterness.
Granted, I think (hope) that I have identified and moved beyond so many of these less than desirable or charitable character traits. When I say I recognize myself in Frankie, I mean that I recognize my 26-year old self in Frankie’s 26-year old self. I was initially infuriated and appalled by her self-absorption, lack of appreciation or awareness of her white middle-class privilege, tossing the book back on my bedside table and abandoning it again and again. Then I realized that my disgust was a reaction to the recognition that I, too, was much like Frankie when I was that age, and still am in my worst unchecked moments.
If I was able to forgive myself for my flaws, then surely I could extend the same compassion and empathy for a fictionalized mirror of myself, too?
If I was able to forgive myself for my flaws, then surely I could extend the same compassion and empathy for a fictionalized mirror of myself, too? After two years of false starts and failed attempts, I was at last able to return to and finish the novel uninterrupted and (mostly) uncritically of Frankie, and I’m very glad I did.
As I’ve said, there are several reasons why it was never quite a good time to read or finish reading A Line Made By Walking. When the student is ready, the teacher will appear. So, too, the reader and the novel.
Too, the same book can mean different things to the same reader at different times. If I had read it immediately and completely upon its release two years ago, I doubt I would have ever picked it up again. (Not because it’s undeserving of a re-read, only because I’m a slow reader and it’s amazing I finish any novel lately, let alone find the time to read it twice; though, in fact, I did return to many of its pages again and again.)
As E.L. Doctorow said, “any book that you pick up as a reader is a printed circuit for your own life to flow through,” and it just so happened that I came back to the book at a time when I, like Frankie, had a heightened awareness of animals and their place and presence in my life. Had I read it two years or even a year before, I doubt I would have paid a slight bit of notice to what is now, to me, the most striking and moving aspect of the work.
After this perhaps overly long ‘preamble,’ what follows below is not so much a book review but a perhaps overly long account of what I discovered in the novel when I finally stopped seeing myself in Frankie and, instead, started looking at, and paying attention to, what Frankie was seeing in the world around her.
Pay Attention To The Nothings And Appreciate Them
Most readings have, understandably, focused on the various forms of human suffering explored in the novel. Following a nervous breakdown, 26-year old Frankie packs her things and leaves Dublin, moving initially into her childhood home with her parents, and then into her deceased grandmother’s cottage where she grapples with that bereavement as well as the loss of her own artistic life and sense of self.
As other reviewers have discussed in detail, this is also a novel about Art: what it is for, why it is made, how to interpret it, its value and importance. Structurally, the novel is punctuated by Frankie “testing” herself on works of art (more than 75 all told, usually from conceptual artists) that reflect upon, and deepen our understanding of, her emotional and psychological state of mind.
“Works about Flight, I test myself,” “Works about Zoos, I test myself,” “Works about Lower, Slower Views, I test myself,” she says, considering works by Yves Klein, Peter Friedl, and Richard Long, whose 1967 documented action, ‘A Line Made By Walking,’ inspired the title for the novel. “He specializes in barely-there-art,” muses Frankie about Long. “Pieces which take up as little space in the world as possible. And which do as little damage.”
Art and grief and mental illness. These are the most salient aspects of the novel, in that they are the most noticeable or most notable to most readers. However, as far as I could find, nobody has engaged with what is, for me, the most striking and meaningful aspect of the novel. For all its layers of grief, death and existential anguish, almost every page of A Line Made By Walking is absolutely teeming with life: specifically, animal life.
For all its layers of grief, death and existential anguish, almost every page of A Line Made By Walking is absolutely teeming with life: specifically, animal life.
Contrasting Baume’s second novel with her debut, which tells the tale of a lonely man’s relationship with his one-eyed dog, a review in The Guardian says: “Now she’s written about a loner again, this time giving her heroine a richer, more peopled interior life.”
It’s true: compared to her first novel, there are more humans in this second book–her parents, her doctor, her friends up in Dublin–but even when she’s feeling lost and lonely, pottering around her grandmother’s home in isolation from other human beings, Frankie is never quite alone. “All on my own,” she says. “Except for the creatures.”
“All on my own. Except for the creatures.”
Most overtly, each of the novel’s ten chapters is named for a different animal that Frankie encounters: Robin, Rabbit, Rat, Mouse, Rook, Fox, Frog, Hare, Hedgehog, Badger. These animals are a focal point, revealing something about the character either to herself or, more often, to the reader.
Starting with a dead robin (“It would speak to me in its language and I would speak back in mine”), she begins to make a photographic record of other dead animals (“They are being killed with me; they are being killed for me”) in an attempt to revive the decaying artist within her, but whose images nonetheless reflect her own sense of disintegration–a disintegration she largely attributes to a scene in a Wernor Herzog documentary in which a penguin breaks away from the group and walks away, towards certain death, in the opposite direction.
“Was it from the deranged penguin that the huge and crushing sadness came? His pointed tail dragging the snow. His useless wings thrashing. Falling on his front. Pushing himself on again. Waddling, stumbling, waddling.”
Yet these animals are just a handful of those that appear in the novel. Frankie may be devoid of human company, but she is surrounded by living, breathing beings who, along with herself, are struggling with the precarity of life and ever-present death.
Animals, birds, and other little creatures appear on almost every page, nestled into the folds of the novel, like the spindly spiders nestled into the folds of her curtains, making scuffling sounds in the dead of night.
From tiny cows in distant fields to normal-sized cows up close, memories of pets of yore (gerbils, goldfish, cats semi-wild and always fluffy), to city pigeons, and swans huddled next to a wide pond, their necks folded down like deckchairs. From childhood nightmares of gnawing red-eyed rodents, to a blur of racecourses and llama farms on a bus journey home. From a garden filled with quarreling butterflies to a merlin soaring overhead chasing a sparrow, A Line Made By Walking is laden with the lives of all creatures great and small.
A Line Made By Walking is laden with the lives of all creatures great and small.
As well as actual living animals, a notable number of objects that furnish her home and surroundings are also animals: the ceramic dolphin in her grandmother’s house, her mother’s eco-friendly ladybird-printed cotton tote, or a pretty porcelain plate hand painted with a scene of geese and a maiden carrying a wicker basket (a maiden, Frankie’s sister suspects is probably force-feeding them as they’re a foie gras flock).
Objects that don’t depict animals have nonetheless been touched by animals–the greasy, ineradicable black stain where her grandmother’s dog used to scratch his back, the reek of him that still permeates the cottage though he is gone now too, having followed the old woman, grief-stricken, to the grave.
Even those objects and physical materials that don’t directly depict an animal are given animal qualities or compared to an animal, like the carpet in her grungy bedsit that Frankie digs her fingers into it as if it was “a short-coated pet.” In her grandmother’s garden, along with a ceramic hippo and two bird tables is “a bench in the shape of a weird animal, buckled planks held in place by wrought-iron legs which taper into wrought-iron paws–too large for a cat and too small for a lion–and so my grandmother’s bench must be a lynx.”
“The white strata are bunching into clouds. The bunches are competing with each other to imitate animals. A sheep, a platypus, a sheep, a tortoise. A sheep, a sheep, a sheep. The leaves are breaking out, obscuring the white strata, the sky animals, the irregular spaces of cerulean between everything.”
Later in the novel, the same sky–after a storm has passed and the clouds have cleared–is “a blanket lifted from a birdcage,” and we, the metaphor implies, are as caged as anyone on this earth.
What are we to make of this?
On the one hand, there are simply too many animal-related mentions, appearances and asides for this to mean nothing, but what it does mean, or might mean, is open to interpretation. I have no idea if the proliferation of animal life was intentional and intended to communicate something specific, or an element that emerged unconsciously outside the author’s awareness in the moment.
What I do know is that if I’d read it a couple of years ago, I probably would not have noticed this now very obvious aspect of the novel. The fact that the reviews I’ve read don’t mention what can only be described as a saturation of direct references or indirect allusions to animals is both completely astounding and perfectly unsurprising.
Mirroring our general disregard for animals and the supremacy and prioritization of human life in the ‘real world,’ the typical reader (including my former self) will prioritize the human aspects of the novel–mental illness, knowing what you want to be when you grow up, the complexity of familial relationships–and gloss over or completely fail to see the saturation of animal references on almost every page of the book.
Teaching her how to meditate, her Buddhist aunt Beth tells Frankie it’s important to “pay attention to the nothings and appreciate them.” In the days following their meeting, Frankie starts to notice things she never has before–the sensation of her clothes against her skin, the tiny trembles of her body, a lifetime of accumulated litter and plastic at the bottom of a hill. Frankie may think she has just begun noticing the small things, but she has been doing this all along, paying attention to and appreciating the nothings of this world.
Animals are our under-appreciated, disregarded nothings.
For animals are our under-appreciated, disregarded nothings.
In a brief aside about dust mites, invisible to the human eye, Frankie says, “They are everywhere, yet they are nothing,” but the same could be said about almost any animal or living creature in this world. And because humanity in general thinks nothing much of slugs and bugs and frogs and birds, we might not even be aware, as we are reading, that our attention is being drawn to the nothings, or that we are being invited to–or at the very least being presented with an opportunity to–pay attention and appreciate them in our own lives and houses and gardens and skies and parks and beaches, too.
Ursula K Le Guin said:
“Skill in living, awareness of belonging to the world, delight in being part of the world, always tends to involve knowing our kinship as animals with animals. Darwin first gave that knowledge a scientific basis. And now, both poets and scientists are extending the rational aspect of our sense of relationship to creatures without nervous systems and to non-living beings — our fellowship as creatures with other creatures, things with other things.
Though most reviews remark upon Frankie’s artistic photograph-series of dead animals, I found the descriptions and observations about living creatures far more interesting than the dead ones (animals are so much better–and much better off–when they’re alive, I think). Often, her photographing of dead animals feels cursory or rushed (spot a dead hedgehog on the side of a ditch, hop off her bicycle, snap, click, back on the bike) in contrast to her everyday noticings and interactions with the living.
Frankie might seem to be obsessed with death, and it is death which is the focus of her art, but in ‘real life,’ the ordinary, day-to-day life that she distinguishes from Art, her attention unwittingly falls upon life, from blades of grass to a lone goose honking overhead. A Line Made By Walking is full of fascination, reverence and wonder for animal life and the natural world. However, this isn’t to say that the novel is free of the assumptions and ideologies that are actively harming animals in the real world.
Works About Killing Animals, I Test Myself
Those of you who have read this far might be confused by or disagree with my statement that animals are our under-appreciated, disregarded nothings, and in some ways you’re right.
Most everyone has a degree of reverence for nature–the sparrows and butterflies of the air, the deer and owls of the woodlands. And, like me, most readers will likely shed a tear or two for Joe, Frankie’s grandmother’s arthritic golden retriever who, after her death, lies on the floor in the exact spot he’d last seen her and slowly withers away with grief.
But what about the other animals? What reverence, what respect, what wonder for the birds and animals on our plates? While the proliferation of animals in the novel passes without remark in most reviews, even more hidden and unnoticed is the accepted ideology that there are different rules for different animals that must not be muddled.
Thinking about how her mother buys daffodils from the supermarket while refusing to pick the daffodils that overflow in their garden, Frankie says:
“According to ritual, there are outdoor flowers and indoor flowers in the same way as there are wild animals and pet animals, free fish and farmed fish, garden vegetables and shop vegetables; they must not be muddled. I stare out at the daffodil farm. I think how strange it is to imagine the indoor flowers un-bunched and outside, almost as strange as it is to picture all the mammoths daintily plucking them.”
In line with our carnist belief system that conditions people to eat certain animals, the novel reinforces the idea that some animals are to be loved and cared for, while others of equal intelligence, sentience and feeling are to be slaughtered and suffer for our tastebuds.
Similarly, of all the pets she and her sister were allowed to have as children, their mother never allowed them to keep a bird, reasoning that a caged gerbil can still run and jump and dig, but a caged bird can’t still fly. In this highly invisible and violent belief system, some animals deserve their freedom, while it’s perfectly natural, perfectly normal, to encage and enslave others. Some animals are worthy of our attention and others are not.
“Every time I think I see a better sort of bird to sight–a kestrel, a buzzard, a glossy ibis–it turns out to be just another jackdaw, or magpie, or rook. So why wasn’t I taught, in Junior Infants, that crows have crow babies in springtime too, just like the small and beautiful and stupid birds.”
For a novel that is in some ways an homage to animals, A Line Made By Walking illustrates the behavioral hypocrisies and inconsistencies of those of us who think of ourselves as animal lovers. According to our completely arbitrary rules and rituals, animals must not be muddled.
In “Works about Killing Animals,” Frankie describes a performance by Hermann Nitsch, which involves animal sacrifice, the drinking of blood and the eating of entrails. Organized in the style of pagan ritual, the point of the performance (according to Frankie) is how mankind has forgotten its inborn proclivity to violence and slaughter. Instead, she says, drolly, critically, “we are all too busy washing our hair, our car. Plucking our guitar strings, our eyebrows.”
On the one hand, Frankie is correctly highlighting mankind’s mindless disconnect. But on the other hand, she equally mindlessly joins her family in an Easter dinner celebration that is centered around violence and slaughter.
“Blown, painted, fractured eggs. A sponge cake with primroses glued into the icing. Chickens made out of pipe-cleaners and a real one in the oven. Headless, footless, oozing ambrosial juices as it roasts.”
Frankie calls out the dumb masses for plucking on their guitar strings and plucking their eyebrows, but apparently sees no issue in savoring the flesh of actual victims of violence, nor does she make mention of who plucked the feathers from the chicken’s slaughtered body that’s roasting in the oven for Easter dinner or any old weeknight.
Like those of us who have forgotten mankind’s proclivity for violence and slaughter, Frankie (like all of us) is equally removed from the reality that the leg and breast on her dinner plate belonged to a chicken that was as alive and real and feeling as Joe, or the wise robin she thinks of as her guardian angel. That brutal, barbaric reality belongs to someone else: to those invisibilized humans who pluck the chicken’s feathers and soften the pig’s skin in scalding water before gassing them in an oven and slitting their throat; to those people who perform our violence for us, so that we don’t have to see, and that enable us to forget; to those people who are often animalized in order to dehumanize and strip them of value, too.
The “mammoths” she refers to in the passage above are the “heavyset, hazelnut-skinned” Brazilian farmworkers who arrived during Ireland’s economic boom times to work in the meat factories. “But now there are too many Brazilians and not enough beef, or at least, not enough demand for it,” so it is the daffodil farmer to whom these “mammoth,” silent men must “prostitute” themselves, according to Frankie.
Thinking of the daffodils, she tests herself on “Works about Flowers,” selecting Anya Gallaccio’s preserve ‘beauty,’which displays two thousand red blooms pressed between glass. The artist chose the gerber-daisy hybrid because they are bio-technologically mass-produced to meet the demands of the global market. “So many people covet their cut stems,” says Frankie, “the Earth can’t keep up.”
The same can be said of the chickens and pigs and cows and sheep, whose flesh we eat and milk we drink. Animal agriculture is a leading cause of climate change, deforestation, water scarcity and pollution, loss of biodiversity and habitat for wild animals, birds, pollinators and other lifeforms essential not only to our survival, but whose lives and existence have meaning regardless of their necessity or not to humankind. And yet. So many people covet their cut throats, the Earth can’t keep up.
So many people covet their cut throats, the Earth can’t keep up.
Later in the book Frankie tests herself on “Works about Goldfish,” describing Maro Evaristti’s installation, Helena, in which ten food blenders, each containing a measure of water and a single goldfish, presented audience members with an “opportunity to press the button and mince the goldfish, or not.”
Frankie notes that the director of the gallery was sued on the grounds of animal cruelty and, in a retrospective more than a decade later, Evarissti used already-dead goldfish preserved in clear jelly: “Goldfish killed in a private place, by some other means,” notes Frankie.
A court ruled that liquidizing goldfish is not a crime, in the same way that male chicks, having no commercial value, are routinely–and legally–ground up in an industrial blender called a macerator. Day-old baby chicks, killed in an unseen, private place that most of us don’t know about, at least I didn’t until a couple of year’s ago.
There were so many things I didn’t know or care to question until only very recently. Like I said way back at the beginning, I finally finished this novel during a time when I was thinking about animals and their place and presence in my life or–to be more accurate–their place and presence on my plate and in my body. It turns out that most everything I was ever told or ever willingly, happily believed about the food on my plate was simply not true.
“Did it do me any good, early in life, to believe so many things which were not true? Or did it damage me? Pouring a foundation of disappointment, of uncertainty.” Here, Frankie is talking about Santa, the Tooth Fairy, the Easter Bunny, and the idea that she would or could be an artist, but when I read this line I was thinking about all the other things I’ve discovered are not true: from the myth of ‘humane’ meat to the myth of slaughter-free dairy.
And the answer is, yes: it damaged me. But more than that, it damaged and hurt the animals who pay the price of the little white lies we’ve all been taught to tell ourselves.
Legal or not, the fact remains that every day we pay someone else to do what we could never do ourselves. Most of us could no more press the button on a blender with a goldfish inside it than we could toss a baby chick into a grinder or slit the throat of a cow. And yet we are complicit in violence, misery and cruelty every time we pay for a ‘product’ that once was the body of a living, breathing animal. Is it really all that different from pushing the button or raising the knife ourselves?
Frankie is viscerally aware of the thin line that separates us from those who hold the knife or the captive bolt. Driving down a country road she unthinkingly accelerates when she comes upon a “dozy pigeon.” She cautiously hopes that the bird’s death was no more than a tragic miscalculation, but she isn’t so sure:
“I’d like to believe, as everyone does, that I am innately good; innately wired to do good. But maybe I innately wanted to see the pigeon burst against my windscreen, a miniature piñata.”
Afterwards, she refuses to clean her car and leaves the blood and shit where it is as a reminder of her instinctive brutality, as a caution.
Shortly afterwards she creates some ground rules for her art project. She’s not allowed to photograph creatures she has killed herself, and she cannot photograph pets, only wild animals, so that the project “can be about the immense poignancy of how, in the course of ordinary life, we only get to look closely at the sublime once it has dropped to the ditch, once the maggots have already arrived at work.”
I think of this sentence often, at this particular, precarious moment in time when so many creatures–including ourselves–are threatened with extinction or great harm. How we can only see the magnificence and glory of life once it has been lost.
The robin that Frankie photographs at the beginning of the novel isn’t the first that has happened across her path–it’s simply the first she has thought to take a picture of. It wasn’t the first, and it won’t be the last, and whether we note their passing or not makes their lives and their deaths no less real to them.
“The tree which falls without any human hearing still falls, as the creatures who die without being found by a human still die.”
The implication here, I think, is that if one of these lives is important and worth recording or marking in some way, then all of them are, though the novel itself doesn’t quite live up to this sentiment.
All animals’ lives have inherent value. All of them suffer. All of them feel pain and fear. And all of them have a will to live.
Frankie’s mother is wrong when she says that different animals shouldn’t be muddled. It’s our manmade rules about whose life has value and whose doesn’t that is muddled, and I think that Frankie knows this or is on her way to knowing this, as I think that we all know this or are on our way to knowing this.
About the Book
Houghton Mifflin Harcourt; First American Edition, 2017.
Have you ever fallen in love and, if so, would you be able to tell me exactly, if I were to inquire, how it had happened?
It’s been more than a year and I still don’t know–I couldn’t tell you–how I became a vegan.
I still don’t know so many things.
I like to believe that I am an autonomous protagonist in my life, that I make conscious and purposeful decisions, and act with at least a degree of intentionality at all times. But there are certain experiences, events and transformations that feel less like decisions or conscious choices and more like something that happened to me, almost against my will or awareness in the moment.
It seems as though the most momentous, meaningful, life-altering experiences are something that happen to us, rather than something we intentionally, preemptively or methodically set about to make happen.
The most momentous, meaningful, life-altering experiences are something that happen to us, rather than something we intentionally or methodically set about to make happen.
I fell in love with the man who would become my husband instantly and overwhelmingly, but it was in no way a conscious, deliberate or particularly informed decision. (I wonder, even, if there’s a correlation between falling in love and an absence of what will inevitably become the most critical and meaningful information about a person in your actual, lived, life together.)
I know why I love him and can list every wonderful thing about him, but I couldn’t tell you how it happened. Though studies show that a heady combination of chemical reactions between pair-bonding endorphins, and socially bureaucratic rules and conventions, were largely at play when I first met Ian, I didn’t experience it that way from moment to moment. Though somebody, somewhere, can no doubt provide a logical and fact-based account of what happened, I personally can offer no such explanation. To me, it just
I don’t know how.
Similarly, I didn’t choose to be a writer, but rather feel as though writing is something that chose me. Though I have regrettably spent the vast majority of my life not writing–and have even actively tried to disentangle my sense of self as being a writer because it hurts so much to realize that you’re not actually being the person you claim to be–I cannot remember a time when I have not identified and moved through the world with the deep sense that I simply am a writer.
Becoming a writer was not an active (or, again, a particularly informed) decision. Rather, it’s something that must have come into being and taken root within me–passively, invisibly–at some point in my childhood or early teenage years. I wonder, sometimes, if I was simply born this way, as though being a writer is less a professional decision and more akin to sexual or gender identity that just is.
Though being a writer (or indeed being married or being a vegan) is something that I must choose and choose and choose again on an ongoing basis, I don’t remember there being an original moment of first choosing it all those years ago. It just
I don’t know how.
I still don’t know so many things.
I don’t even know if it has, in fact, been more than a year since I became a vegan.
All love stories are tales of beginnings.
“All love stories are tales of beginnings,” says the poet and essayist, Meghan O’Rourke. “When we talk about falling in love, we go to the beginning, to pinpoint the moment of freefall.”
Nobody ever asks, “how did you fall in love?” It’s too large and endless a question. Instead, we ask, “how did you guys meet?” By which we mean, when? By which we mean, where? By which we mean: Tell me a story. Transform amorphous, ineffable experience into a narrative that begins Once upon a time….
When it comes to becoming vegan, however, I don’t know when or where to count back to.
Or forward from….
It occurs to me, just now, that I was born a vegan, nursing only on my mother’s milk, which she longed and consented to give to me. I never thought of it that way before just now.
And now a part of a poem, unbidden, comes to mind–‘Trances Of The Blast,’ by Mary Ruefle:
At one time Now it is another time How near we were to having thoughts
That’s sort of what it’s like. Becoming a vegan. Becoming a completely different person.
At one time Now it is another time
Except it’s not as distinct and definitive as that. At least it wasn’t for me. Some people hear the truth, open their eyes, and become vegan overnight, but for me it wasn’t like that.
Like falling in love, I became vegan the way a character in a Hemingway novel became bankrupt: “gradually and then suddenly.” Incrementally. Imperceptibly. Slowly at first, then all at once.
At one time Now it is another time At one time Now it is another time
At one time
Now it is another time
At one time
Now it is another time
With long pauses
and blank spaces
where I was so near
How near we are today.
That’s the next line in the poem:
How near we were to having thoughts How near we are today
But was I really born a vegan?
A baby’s palate and food memories are shaped before birth. Before we can speak, before we can think, before we are ever pushed blinking and screaming into the system, we are floating in it. In the womb, we are buoyed by and gulp down amniotic fluid, flavored by the food and drinks consumed by our mother, be it broccoli, vanilla, tangerines, or chocolate.
Before we can speak, before we can think, before we are ever pushed blinking and screaming into the system, we are floating in it.
Now (another time) she can’t stand the smell of the stuff but, when she was pregnant with me (at one time), my mother craved Bovril, a thick and salty meat extract paste that can be added to soups and stews, spread on toast, or diluted with hot water, which is what my mother did, apparently drinking buckets of the coffee/tea alternative that then passed through to me without my awareness or comprehension.
So it began. And so it continued in one insidious way after another, spoonfed the system without my awareness or comprehension. I wasn’t born a vegan, romantic and utopian as the idea may briefly have been. Though quite innocent and without a conscious shred of malice or cruelty, I was nonetheless created and came into being within a system of violence that was as soothing and safe-seeming as the warm waters I floated in, as natural and delicious as my mother’s milk, as invisible and reflexive as those first deep gulps of oxygen.
Believe me, I don’t particularly want to, but these are the kinds of things I think about now, as I struggle to figure out the system behind and beneath it all. Because the real question–the thing that keeps me up at night, every night–isn’t how I personally, individually became a vegan, but how and why all us of are born and bred into a system of suffering, normalized violence and inexcusable exploitation of living, breathing beings.
Living, breathing beings who–just like me–are created and born into this world as tiny babies to the very same system of violence. When my mother weaned me from her own breast, and for decades later, I drank the milk of a mother whose baby had been taken from her and either slaughtered at just a few weeks old, if male, or plugged back into the same relentless cycle of breeding, birthing, and stealing that is the dairy industry, if female. It keeps me awake at night. It keeps me awake.
But it’s not the night right now. I’ll save those thoughts and questions for another time and, while it’s still light out and the sun is singing through western windows, I’ll think instead about falling in love.
Though science confirms that falling in love is a largely chemical affair, and definitely not something as silly and unsubstantiated as destiny, romantic love often has a sense of destiny about it (unlike our relationships with family and friends–though I do have one or two friendships that feel nothing less than fated, no matter what scientists might say).
On the one hand, we experience falling in love as spontaneous and surprising–we’re often caught off guard and feel out of control when we realize we’re falling so hard for this person–yet, at the same time, there’s a sense of calm inevitability about it, as though this was meant to happen, or that everything that has come before now–both the good and the bad, all of it–has been leading us to this point and person in time.
We experience falling in love as spontaneous and surprising, but at the same time there’s a sense of calm inevitability about it.
Like falling in love, becoming vegan has the same sense of inevitability. It might not be true to say that I was born a vegan, and in fact I tremble knowing that it was statistically more likely that I would not open my mind and heart to reality, I do believe that I was born with the same compassion and kindness that I have finally, thankfully, learned to extend to every animal that I share this horrible, wonderful planet with.
And though I don’t believe in destiny as such, I still have this sense that I’ve become the person that I was always supposed to be before I wandered–if not against my will but certainly against my awareness–and became separated from my true, compassionate and justice-minded self that has always burned so strong inside me.
When I think about the harm and suffering I’ve played a part in in my almost four decades on this planet, I wish I’d gotten here so much sooner, but I try not to dwell on who I’ve been and instead feel thankful for who I’m becoming and, frankly, amazed and relieved that I’ve somehow learned something on this earth that I was meant to learn or put here to learn. Destined or not, everything that has come before now has lead me–slowly, then all at once–to this point and person in time, and for that I am so eternally grateful and filled with nothing less than pure love.
One of my favorite blogs is The [Blank] Garden, a reading journal slash book review website. Almost every review (or what its creator, Juliana Brina, wonderfully describes as “efforts of affection”) is written as a letter to the author of the novel or story in question, which I adore and, as a longtime letter-writer, I wish I’d thought of myself.
My reading life is a conversation made in silence with writers I most probably will never meet. I see the books I read (and the posts I write about them) as a letter exchange. You are invited to open these letters I send to the void. Cor ad cor loquitur.
I highly recommend checking her out, and an excellent place to begin would be her wonderful post on the subject of whether or not the indie book blog is dead: And it seemed right, I mean rite, to me. (Spoiler alert: it is not.)
Recently, Juliana launched a series of posts–Know Thy Shelf–documenting her eclectic and enviable bookshelves. She also invited others to join her in posting a picture of their bookshelf, or part of their bookshelf, and answering (and, in one case, asking) the following questions:
(1) Book from this shelf you would save in an emergency.
(2) Book that has been in this shelf for the longest time.
(3) Newest edition to this shelf.
(4) Book from this shelf you are most excited to read or re-read.
(5) Any poetry books?
(6) Any non-fiction books?
(7) Most read author in this shelf?
(8) What does this shelf tell you about me as a reader?
We were two years in our new home before we finally got around to building some bookshelves and getting at least some of our collection out of cardboard boxes. A domino like line of books still snakes around the perimeter of our bedroom floor, and there are days when it seems as though the beige carpet is growing up around them like sun bleached blades of grass.
I love the combination of salvaged wood and industrial piping that Ian used to build these shelves into a small alcove between the kitchen and the living room. We’re still two shelves shy of making this the full-length bookshelf of my imagination (we’re good at starting projects in this house, but not so great at the finishing touches), and we’ll need at least two more book cases of the same size to house all the books that we own between us.
I love bookshelves as much for their aesthetic quality as I do for the actual books themselves, and in this rickety and drafty house of ours they have the added benefit of providing a smidgen more insulation in the winter time. I’m a compulsive book buyer so it’s unlikely that I’ll ever get around to reading every book I bring into this house, but simply being surrounded by them is pleasure enough for me most days. In the dreariest days of Oregon’s winter, they are the most colorful and promising things to be seen for miles around. And, if nothing else, they make wonderful look-out posts for the cats!
For my first ‘Know Thy Shelf’ post, here’s a close-up of one of the shelves.
(For those of you who can’t bear the secrecy, the books that are hidden by the candlestick are Truth & Beauty by Ann Patchett, which I have not yet read, and Final del Juego by Julio Cortázar, which I would like to read but my Spanish is nowhere near as good as my husband’s so I will need to get my hands on an English translation.)
And here are my answers to the questions posed by The [Blank] Garden:
(1) Book from this shelf you would save in an emergency:
Leaves of Grass by Walt Whitman.
(2) Book that has been in this shelf for the longest time:
(4) Book from this shelf you are most excited to read or re-read:
To read: Notable American Women by Ben Marcus. To re-read: Song of Solomon by Toni Morrison.
(5) Any poetry books?
Apart from Leaves of Grass which I already mentioned, American Primitive by Mary Oliver, and the selection of Aristotle’s most important works contains his book on The Art of Poetry among other delights.
(6) Any non-fiction books?
The Year of Magical Thinking by Joan Didion.
(7) Most read author in this shelf?
And, lastly, a question for you, should you have the inclination to answer:
(8) What does this shelf tell you about me as a reader?
I love snooping around other people’s bookshelves; it’s one of the first things I do when I walk into someone’s home. I’m not sure what this slice of my bookshelf tells you about me as a reader, but taking a fresh look at something I see every day is telling me that I need to shut down my laptop for the afternoon and open up a book instead.
A few years ago I started writing my regular ‘Ragtag & Sundry’ posts on a Sunday afternoon–an enthusiastic summary, essentially, of the most interesting, weird and worthwhile ways I procrastinated on the world wide web that week.
As I’ve mentioned a couple of times this month, I’m procrastinating on writing a particular blog post that I want to write. Increasingly, it’s becoming clear that this one post could probably be five to ten interrelated posts, and I’ve been figuring out how to say what I want to say without being either overly longwinded or neglecting to do the topic (or indeed myself, as a writer) justice.
So, as yet another week goes by when I haven’t finished writing the post that prompted me to start up my old blog again, I figured I’d fall back on the old faithful Ragtag & Sundry posts and share a couple of things I found interesting or worthwhile of late.
A passionate procrastinator, one of my favorite ways to procrastinate is to read about procrastination–what it is, why we do it, and how to prevent or overcome it.
Always late to the party, I recently ‘discovered’ the delightful Wait But Why website, and I love their clever yet entertaining take on the underlying psychology of procrastination (aka the action of ruining your life for no apparent reason), and how to beat it by changing the story you tell yourself about it.
Storylines are rewritten one page at a time, says the author. Aim for slow, steady progress, adding:
“[The] key isn’t to be perfect, but to simply improve. The author who writes one page a day has written a book after a year. The procrastinator who gets slightly better every week is a totally changed person a year later.”
Perfectionism is definitely at the heart of my procrastination, particularly when it comes to writing about things I deeply care about. Like I say, I want to do justice to the topic of the post I’m writing, and I feel an anxious need to get it just right. I’m nervous that some of the things I say might alienate people; or I find myself searching for small flaws or inconsistencies in my argument, as though a single mistake or inaccuracy in my post will wind up doing more harm than good.
Afraid of being misunderstood or caught out somehow, my post (as it’s currently written) is chock a block with qualifying remarks and ‘in order to understand this, you should probably know this‘ or ‘when I say this I don’t mean to imply that‘ kinds of sentences. In short, the post is riddled with outsized anxieties and apprehensions, and I need to edit it from a more peaceful place of self-assurance and courage.
This piece in the New York Times–Why You Procrastinate (It Has Nothing To Do With Self-Control–resonated with me a lot, therefore. Writing against the pervasive idea that procrastination is laziness or a simple time-management issue, the article instead presents procrastination as a complex and irrational form of self-harm that is governed by our inability to manage negative emotions around a task.
“Procrastination isn’t a unique character flaw or a mysterious curse on your ability to manage time, but a way of coping with challenging emotions and negative moods induced by certain tasks — boredom, anxiety, insecurity, frustration, resentment, self-doubt and beyond.”
In short: procrastination is not a time management problem, it is an emotion regulation problem–a concept that felt intuitively true as soon as I read it, as well as more deeply and holistically beneficial than the usual theories and strategies I come across.
One strategy cited in the NY Times piece is to forgive yourself in the moments that you procrastinate. In a 2010 study, researchers found that self-forgiveness for procrastination can reduce further instances of procrastination, and that self-forgiveness supported productivity by allowing individuals to move past their maladaptive behavior and focus on a task or upcoming event “without the burden of past acts.”
Another tactic is the related practice of self-compassion, which the authors describe as treating ourselves with kindness and understanding in instances of pain or failure rather than being harshly self-critical. Practicing self-compassion connects us to our common humanity, allowing us to perceive our experiences as part of the larger human experience rather than seeing them as separating and isolating. Self-compassion entails being mindful–“holding painful thoughts and feelings in balanced awareness rather than over-identifying with them.”
The (not necessarily) simple act of identifying and naming my aforementioned anxieties and apprehensions around my post is already hugely helpful and has given me a more balanced perspective about the whole thing. Not only am I putting far too much pressure on myself to write the “perfect post,” I’m also creating unrealistic expectations about the effect the post will have on people.
It’s one thing talking about something with a close friend or family member who knows, loves, and understands you; it’s another thing to share your heart and inner world with people you’ve never met
I care so much about the issue I’m writing about, I have to remind myself that the majority of people don’t see things the same way, and I’m already preparing myself for the likelihood that people will either not care or be outright dismissive or aggressively defensive about it. It’s one thing talking about something with a close friend or family member who knows, loves, and understands you; it’s another thing to share your heart and inner world with people you’ve never met, especially in a world where we behave and respond to each other online in ways that we would never do face-to-face.
I’ve also been feeling self-conscious and somewhat foolish that I returned to blogging with a specific goal in mind but I haven’t yet articulated that goal or made my purpose clear. I’m frustrated at myself and impatient to get going with the real reason I wanted to begin my blog again. From anxiety and ambivalence to fear and foolishness, reticence and impatience, a plain old blog post can provoke a whole lotta feelings! Some self-compassion is definitely the order of the day.
Ironically, compassion is at the heart of the post I’m writing, and will form the foundation or guiding force of this blog in general, so for today at least I forgive myself for not being quite finished with the post I’m working on, and will walk into a new week with a little more kindness and understanding of, and for, myself. I may not yet have written the post I set out to write a month ago, but in the course of procrastinating around it, I made some useful connections regarding my underlying thought-processes and fears about it, so this “wasted” time has not been entirely in vain after all.
I love Orion Magazine, and one of my favorite features is The Place Where You Live project, which provides readers with space to record their ideas about “place.”
Anyone can submit an entry, which I love. You don’t need to identify as a “real” writer, and–whoever you are–I highly encourage you to give it a go if you should feel so inclined.
“What connects you to your place? What history does it hold for you? What are your hopes and fears for it?”
When I wrote for it (quite a few years ago now), I liked the challenge of being limited to 350 words or less. I tend towards long-form writing (which is why it’s taking me a little longer to publish that “bigger” post I talked about last week), so I love the challenge of working within more constrained parameters.
Occasionally, some entries are selected for inclusion in future editions of Orion’s print magazine. Needless to say, I was delighted when my little piece was chosen to appear in their September/October 2014 issue, but today when I went searching for it to include in a copywriting job application, I discovered that there’s no longer a link for it online, which makes sense after so many years.
I have a print copy, but our scanner is on the blink. Luckily, I came across a website with a PDF of that issue. I include it here for no other reason than to make sure it doesn’t disappear again!
I hadn’t thought much about this essay in years. Six months after it was published, Ian and I found a few acres of woodland with a gentle creek and a wood stove, I learned how to plant snow peas and lots of other vegetables, and his parents brought their beehives to live with us when they moved from their home on the Oregon coast to the same condo in the city that we used to live in!
I love this memory of a time when a home just like ours was nothing but wishes and shapes in a concrete ceiling. But, after four years in the Willamette Valley, it’s high time I try to capture this (not so) new place where I live. Right this moment, I can’t imagine how I’ll manage it in such few words, but that’s the great puzzle of writing. This place has changed my life in so many unimaginable ways; it’s been my greatest joy and my greatest challenge. I’m not quite the same person who moved here, but I’m still the person who lies on the floor looking for patterns and things that look like other things.